The start of a bumpy road

Great. We had decided to leave our fate in “God’s hands”… In other words we had decided to keep the baby and continue on with the pregnancy.

The dream from here was that everything would work out perfectly and in 9 months time we would just have this baby that we would look after and life would go onward as normal. All great in theory of course, but things rarely go to plan and now we had to come up with one anyway.

The three month trip to Canada was looming ahead of us and Matt was due to leave in one week. I was absolutely terrified of him leaving, and with my closest friendship recently in ruins I felt like I was being abandoned left right and center, right when I needed someone the most.

I have no clue what happened to be truly honest. One day I had her in my life… the next, I didn’t. We had had a disagreement which I thought was normal for best friends to go through from time to time. I didn’t think much would come of it but it turned out to be the end of our almost 3 year friendship.

I felt utterly heartbroken. Worse than any break up I had ever gone through before.

I was the Godmother to her beautiful son and I loved her to absolute pieces. If you’d had asked me then, I probably would have taken a bullet for her, or her son. I felt so privileged to be apart of her life, her pregnancy and everything that came with it. We were so close. I was one of the first people she rang when she found out she was expecting last year and from that moment on, I was one of her biggest cheerleaders in life. I was there for almost all of the scans (including the first time we ever saw him nestled there at 6 weeks gestation), the gender reveal, (to which  was the trusted person to know before the reveal), the shower, maternity photos, I was even at his amazing birth. I couldn’t understand why she wanted this space from me so suddenly.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was pregnant and that perhaps I had over reacted in our disagreement because of the hormones (even though, she out of anyone, probably would have understood). It was probably those pesky hormones which made the situation so much harder for me to deal with. I felt so unappreciated and so alone. I kept thinking, what had I done so bad to make her not want to be my friend anymore? Surely we could at least still be mates, even if she didn’t want to keep me close? I cried for days and days and with Matt’s impending departure I just felt so crippled with loneliness.

I wanted so badly to tell her what was going on, but her reasoning for the distance was that she had so much going on in her life at that moment, that she just didn’t have the time to be there for me. I understood that (as I did know how busy she was with her adorable wee boy) and decided to respect her wishes for space, and not tell her I was pregnant. I hoped that things would just sort themselves out in time, and that my best friend would be there for me as I was there for her during her pregnancy. Unfortunately I was wrong, and I remained heartbroken for a long time.

I had other friends and family around me to support me through the hard time I was going through and I tried my best to be positive about the situation, despite how I was truly feeling. Looking back now, I couldn’t be more grateful to the few that have stuck around until now. Checking in on me, bringing me pick-me-up gifts or simply accepting my miserable company. I thought I couldn’t do it without my best friend, but again, I was wrong.

Matt and I had already overcome the hardship of three consecutive months away from each other before. It wasn’t hard to maintain and I never once felt alone, but the fact was we were still in the same country and were able to visit with each other a total of 3 times during those 3 months. This really helped me because I had something to look forward to and for me it made the time fly by much quicker. Going to Canada for three months was a whole other story however…

It meant a time difference. Of 15 hours. It meant not a single visit for the entirety of the course. It meant he was going to be very busy and very preoccupied. It meant my pillar of support was gone. No touching, hardly talking and a busy man. Not the greatest recipe for success would you say? But never the less we had both decided it was for the best and no matter what we were going to get through it. We agreed on Skype dates and constant contact when we could. One of us would be sacrificing sleep every other day to talk, but it was a sacrifice we both were committed to making, in order to make it work.

In the days leading up to Matt’s departure he had to go to Auckland for a sort of build up to the course he’d be doing in Canada. I kept thinking: “How am I going to do this on my own?”. A short time went by and soon there was only one night left until he had to fly away. I wasn’t ready at all for him to leave me. In fact, I was kind of in denial.

We planned one last romantic night together which involved me driving from Palmerston North to Auckland and spending the night in a lovely hotel Matt had booked for us. I was really excited to see him after only a few days of being apart and I realised how magnified those feelings were going to be once he left the country.

Have you heard what they say about making plans? How life gets in the way?

Apparently I hadn’t…

Half way on my 7 hour journey to Auckland, I got a call from Matt, who told me that I may want to pull over as he had some news for me. My heart leaped into my throat as I asked him what was wrong… He told me that the army was sending him home and he wasn’t going to Canada until September because there weren’t enough jets on the course for the amount of students going.

I was absolutely ELATED!!

– I’m just going to insert here that I feel bad that i wasn’t saddened by this news because I knew how much Matt wanted to go away, but looking back I was completely selfish and thinking of my own happiness. Sorry Matt. It’s only because I love you.

I decided to keep going on my trip, spend a beautiful night in Auckland with my love and bring him back home with me the next day. It was like a dream come true for me in that moment. Nothing could have made me any more happy

So, as the title implies… This was the start of a bumpy road ahead.

Since Matt was now going to be home for the next coming months, a decision I had already made now needed revising (and no i’m not talking about keeping the baby). The Doctor just a day beforehand had told me something very unexpected about the bloodwork done at our prenatal appointment. I kept this from Matt because I wanted to know for sure, and have it confirmed by a scan before freaking him out even more. But since he was staying and didn’t have the pressure of the course ahead of him, I knew I had to tell him.

The truth was: